I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
