The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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