You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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