Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm too high and old for this...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
