a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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