one two three fourrrrnication!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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