If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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