Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
