Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
