On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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