some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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