I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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