Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
