I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
