11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
