What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
