WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
please come you make the beer taste better
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
