If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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