just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Damn victory sex feels great
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
