god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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