i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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