I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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