Can Purell be used as lube?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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