How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
this boner is exhausting
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
