I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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