He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
