I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
the liver wants what the liver wants
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
