How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
