theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
