i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
