Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
