just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
