Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
