i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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