LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
