nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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