when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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