Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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