yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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