does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
