YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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