I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
