I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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