do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
