no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
