Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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