Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
