either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
