The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
As shirtless as possible
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
