My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
