I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
