You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Randomize
