I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
