i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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