Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
