Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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