HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
