Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
