I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
