btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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