my phone needs a breathalizer
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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