i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
