these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The chlamydia really affected his face.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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