I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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