Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
