so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
